


This is what happens when you take jokes seriously

by telecast_vertigo



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Crack, I DO NOT CONDONE ACTUAL SHIPPING OF SCHLATT, M/M, OOC, it's gonna be a bit like the fundywastaken wedding, oh god i regret this, usage of schlatt's many names
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-16 23:33:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28590327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/telecast_vertigo/pseuds/telecast_vertigo
Summary: Schlatt is a business man. Sapnap is an eboy. Wilbur is homeless. Holy shit what is this
Relationships: Jschlatt & Sapnap, Jschlatt & Wilbur Soot
Kudos: 4





	1. the beginning

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY THIS IS PURE CRACK
> 
> I do not support actual shipping of schlatt, this is just me getting inspiration from a jackbox game i played with friends
> 
> If a cc wants this to be taken down, I will fully oblige.

Schlatt was walking down the street, looking very gayschlatt, when he sees Wilbur Soot!!!!!

“Holy shit Wilbur Soot!!!” Jcat said

“Yes thats me ;)” Wilbur said, like the dumb fucking virgo he is.

“Your hit song Your New Boyfriend is so cool can I have autograph???” Schlagg said, holding a gun.

Wilbur then grabbed Jeff’s shoulders, which looked odd because Wilbur is 6’’7’’ and Jay is 4’’11’’, and winked. “I’ll do you one better man. ”

He then carried Jshitt into his house and bedroom. They then proceed to the not gay (but still sorta gay) s*x.

From that day on, their highschool lief was them being friends. Unfortunately, this came to an untimely end.

[scene turns into highschool]

Funny mic proceeded to shove Wilbur against a wall, but dew to him being a fucking shortass all he did was makee himself look at wilbur;s chest. “Hey loverboy.”

Wilbur looked amused “Yeah?”

Bukowski wasnt as amused. “It’s going to be graduation soon. I think I’m going to take a break from this then.”

The pool noodle that was Wilbur now was caught off guard from this. “Wh-what? Blades, baby, (i cried typing that) whats with this?”

Tiger Woods looked back from the other boy. “Look, I’m going to make a youtube channel soon. And maybe, a twitch to stream a lot! I don’t think I’m able to keep that goal and you both in my life.”

Wilbur replied with distraught, “Well, Im thinking of making a channel too! It’s gonna be a new genre of youtube! Me and a couple of friends are going to commentate on subreddit posts and it would be enterataing. You could even do a collab with us :)!”

“Nah that sounds fucking dumb.” Cockschlatt said blatantly. “Look, I came to talk to you about this and that’s it, Virgo.” “Bye.” he proceeded to walk away from Wilbur.

But then Wilbur grabbed Tekkit’s arm. “No wait, Ladder man, Blades,-*sigh*- _Schlatt._ Come on.” 

Semen didn’t care, as he just ripped his hand away from Wilbur’s grip.

\----

It has been several years since that tragic day. Pokiman and Wilbur haven’t spoken to ea h other since. John has made himself into a very successful politician, now running for the 2020 elections. He has not heard of wilbur but he does not care. At least...outwardly.

He walked on a sidewalk when he bumped into a guy. “Hey what the fuck-”

“Oh sorry dude!” Smagg then got a good look at the other guy. He looked like a typical white fratboy, albeit more texan than the common types. He had dark brown orbs and his hair was in twin man buns. Space buns, if you would.

“Oh jah mamas you looking fine ;) Wanna like hmu with your contacts?” The guy suddenly said, looking very eboy, with his cuffed black pants and checkered sneakers.

“What the fuck dude Im not gay Im homophobic.” Mutton man said, looking very weirded out now.

“Oh thats okay man Im not gay too, my socks would be on” The man winked, reminding Jaylor Schwift of a certain person.

"Uh Im gonna actually go now, fuck off" Javier Barde said. The guy then suddenly pointed at his direction, “Holy shit is that Techno blade???”

Joe Jonas was unphased. “Fuck I wish that was him.” He then gets mugged by the fratboy. He gets hit so hard he falls right in an alleyway. He couldnt fight back because he was actually very senile. 

“Oh you bastard” Luigi said, before losing consciousness.


	2. Subpoena

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> after Schlatt fucking died, he wakes up very confused, and then someone texts him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is mostly a chatfic chapter. Im not sorry because why would you expect anything good with this fic

When Jack Frost woke up, he felt like shit. Probably because he just got mugged. He was hoping that someone couldve taken him to theur apartment couch like those wattpad fics but he was still in that dirty ass alley. 

He found his phone still in his hot pocket, relieved that the guy didnt steal it, although confused on why he didnt. “Eh who gives a damn’’Scat said, heading to his house.

\---

When Mr Cobblestone finally came to his shack, he opened the door and unceromoinouslty fell on the cold ass floor. 

‘HHsajawbdedbekjfdnkjbdkfbkdsbfbfkbkbfkdbkdbj” Gongaga said, very tired, very much like a twitter user who just saw their favorite cc’s face on their timeline.

He then heard his phone notifications and looked. There was a message from an unknown number.

**6969-555:** hey u up 

**schlatt:** who the fuck is this

**6969-555:** ok this might sound bad

 **6969-555:** but this is the guy who mugged you 

Joko could only just stare at his phone, muttering ‘ _what the fuck_ ’.

**schlatt** : how the hell did you get my number

**6969-555** : i got it from you and had a friend help me get your password

**schlatt** : you stole my phone

**6969-555** : yeah but i gave it back tho

**schlatt** : while i was still unconscious in a fucking alleyway

**6969-555** : it would be kind of weird to wake you up to give it

Sea Cock just didn’t know how to respond. 

**6969-555** : anyways my name is subpoena

 **6969-555** : every time

**schlatt** : thats a weird ass name

**6969-555** : no my name is sapnap 

**schlatt** : well i have the name changed now

**Subpoena** : oh cool B)

 **Subpoena** : Anyways you want to like, have coffee sometime

**schlatt** : no

 **schlatt** : also im blocking you

**Subpoena** : NO WAIT PLEASE ILL PAY FOR EBERYTHING

**schlatt** : yeah ok i guess

**Subpoena** : wait really

**schlatt** : sure

**Subpoena** : Nice Ill see you at the cafe tomorrow at 3. See you ;)

**schlatt** : wait which cafe

 **schlatt** : sapnap tell me

 **schlatt** : SAPNAP

Sapnap had apparently just gone offline. Well damn. Schumpel didn’t really know why he agreed to this, but I guess he’s going with this guy now. Suddenly, an eagle crashed into his window and clutched his head. Buda screamed and scrambled to get his gun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My daddy's got a gun  
> My daddy's got a gun  
> My daddy's got a gun  
> You better run  
> My daddy's got a gun  
> My daddy's got a gun  
> My daddy's got a gun  
> Ga-ga-ga-ga-ga  
> It started with the-*gunshots*


End file.
